Pushing Pause...

There is an appointed time for everything. 
And there is a time for every event under heaven--

Ecclesiastes 3:1

I've been going through a season of angst the past two months as I had been pushing myself to finish the manuscript of Dandelion Winds and get it done for a mothers day launch. Until God got my attention.

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Confession: since Thanksgiving when I "determined" to muscle through getting the thing finished before Dec 31.  I have been alternating between bouts of depression and anxiety that takes my breathe away and saps my strength.  I have literally fallen asleep as I type from mental and physical exhaustion.  It has not been joyful. His spirit has felt quenched and I have felt far from God. 

  First. I have learned that this "date" was not His idea. It was mine. I wanted so much to achieve this goal and be DONE with this book...honestly I have felt ashamed that it has taken me so long. But, writing to avoid shame, check a self imposed box on my to-do-list or even to keep up with my beloved and gifted writer friends should not be my "why" for writing. 

 God is showing me that He has his own time table for this book and I am not to try to force it into my own time frame. 

Several writer friends have asked why I haven't at least attempted to go the traditional publishing route with this book. (To at least discern IF God has opened any doors here) Here are my reasons...

 1. I assume a book contract is like finding a needle in a haystack.  (God has been dealing with me on my unbelief) 

2. I want it to be done NOW! (God has been speaking to me of the value of excellence and His timing...not speed and a "check the box" mentality. 

 3. Fear of failing. Which we might as well label correctly as PRIDE. Ugh!

  The other "sign" that I have been running ahead of God:  I have been feeling very uneasy as I rush to "get through" my first edit. I see so much that needs to be tweaked. So many "holes" that I believe God wants to fill. So much nuance that I missed as I rushed to finish the manuscript.  So many grey areas that I know He would speak to if I were still enough to listen. Had I been writing at the turtle pace that I had been, maybe I wouldn't have so many holes?

I recognize that somewhere along the line,  I got out of God's rhythm of grace. He is no slave driver yet I was pushing myself as if He was. This was not of Him.  I don't believe He is in the same rush as I am to "get-er-done"  

He is building up His platform and building my relationships with friends gay and straight who don't translate Gods word the same way I do.  I think He wants us to get to a point of truly trusting each other's hearts. Even as we choose to remain rooted to our respective faith convictions about God's design for sexuality. This type of trust doesn't happen overnight. 

So, I am taking a big breath and a big leap of faith and I am slowing down to listen to His voice. To "push pause" and see if I have missed anything He would say in this book. 

Next month,  I am going to the Writers Advance Boot Camp at the Cove in Asheville,NC.  I will become a better student of the craft of writing and continue to pursue this work with excellence. I will, with great fear and trembling, pitch my book to Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas and see what they think.  I will learn, and grow into an even better writer. For Him.

That said, I Understand that a Mother's day launch will not happen unless God does a miracle.  For now,  I know I am to pitch it, as God directs, to the publishers he puts in my path and continue to write this story within the rhythms of His grace.

I so appreciate your prayers.

How about you?   Tell me about a time you needed to Push Pause ...