Stark, raving honesty

The Lord detests lying lips, 

but he delights in those who are truthful.   

Proverbs 12:22

Today my daughter Kait and her partner, Heather were married in a small, businesslike courtroom on a sunny but cold day in the mountains of Asheville NC   The officiant, a bland, unsmiling man, read the vows from a sheet of computer paper like a drone. This was not what I imagined my firstborn's wedding would look like.  But when I stopped focusing on the drab surroundings and gazed at Kait and Heather, their faces told a different story. They radiated with their love, respect and affection for each other.  The room, the uninterested official and everything else faded in importance as my precious ones committed their lives and their love to each other.  I was honored to be a witness. I wouldn't have missed this once in a lifetime moment. I adore these two and know that the Lord loves them even more than I do... even as I continue to wrestle internally with this
question; Does God condone and bless same sex marriage?

www.intime.uni.edu

  I remembered how, a mere two years ago, my daughter, Kait called to tell me she that she and her partner, Heather (whom I love dearly) had gotten engaged.  I was in such conflict that day. Every parent dreams of the day her child will become engaged but a same sex engagement and wedding was not what I had imagined.   Even so, I willed my heart to celebrate. If not for myself than for my daughter's happiness. 

 I tried to muster up some feelings of joy but my worried heart would not cooperate. Was God OK with this? What kind of life would my daughter live? Did this mean I was not to have grandchildren?  I knew I couldn't fake a happy reaction even though I wished I could. I hated the pain I caused my daughter and heather by my inability to be happy in the moment. I so longed to jump up and down and call everyone I knew to share the happy engagement news...But the joy simply wouldn't come.  My Mother's heart hung in anguish at the unwillingness of my soul to join the party. 

Instead, I came up speechless...my heart and mind bursting with feelings of both love and loss, wonder and confusion. Joy and Pain.   My heart was paralyzed with so many mixed emotions the only honest words I could utter were; "Wow"  "I love you, Kait and I love Heather" It was the only true thing I had to say at the moment. 

Sometimes, Honesty can really hurt and Love can deeply wound.  I had gotten more used to the fact that Kait was gay but this new conversation about marriage was yet another hurdle for me to overcome.  My heart hurts for wounding my daughter.  She had previously shared that, since she has come out, she has felt only lukewarm love from her Dad and I.  She feels rejected by us...the ones who should love her best.  I was so grateful for her honesty even as it cut me to the core.

 I believe her reasoning is this;   "If  I am not "For" same sex marriage than I must be "Against" Her.  If I don't  "love" Homosexuality as a practice, than I don't love HER. She has mourned the fact that my reaction to her engagement was not a joyous outburst of glee, but more of a soft, gentle "I love you"....except it didn't feel anything like love to her. (sigh)  To my Kait it felt like rejection.

My friend, Amy, lent me Brennan Manning's book; Ruthless Trust (which I am devouring like a Krispy Kreme donut.) In it he cites Franciscan Richard Rohr's work:

"Humility and honesty are really the same thing. A humble person is simply a brutally honest person about the whole truth.  You and I came along a few years ago, and we're going to be gone in a few years.  The only honest response to life is a humble one."

Manning goes on to say; "Alcoholics Anonymous offers a classic definition of humility; "Stark, raving honesty."

Can I be stark raving honest for a minute?  I want you to know that  I am humbling myself before God, seeking His face, asking for His wisdom and His love and grace to transform me give me His insight and truth. In all sincerity and humility, I do not yet have the answers settled in my heart to give my beautiful daughter and new 'daughter in love' the response I know they desire.  So, until God transforms this hot mess into His likeness, all  I have to give is my very imperfect human love and my honesty.

So please forgive me for my stark, raving honesty.  I truly am not trying to be cantankerous or unloving.  It's just that I've spent too long being a poser and wearing people pleasing  masks so everyone would like me and I wouldn't make waves.  I've done all the "crowd following" I care to do. 

 I love my girl too much to be anything less than authentic with her.  I know she understands...even through the pain.   Thankfully, God created her to be compassionate and forgiving  and I am blessed and proud to be her Momma.  Just as she must  be true to herself...I cannot masquerade as someone I am not.

Lord,

We come to you with all of our wounds, our questions and our shortcomings.  You alone know the depths of our human hearts, you alone know our heart's immense folly.  Send your Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to raise up a place of peace in our world. May we know Your unconditional, divine love each day of our lives, even as we fall short of exhibiting it in our own.   May your limitless grace spring up in our hearts for your glory. Help all of us to be truth tellers...always.

In Jesus name, we bring our requests to you.  

Amen